Survival Plan

I am in an acute state of anxiety I just need to get through this.  Here will be my step by step plan on how to survive.
2pm- Call the library let them know I have a personal health issue and am in no condition to work - quit
Wait everything out until my appointment and pretend I'm going to work
In two weeks I'll have my appointment I'll let him know about my increased anxiety and emotional instability and ask if there are any out patient programs that insurance covers and see if I can go to that.  Let my parents know I'm pretty unstable and let them know I'm going to the program.
Delete my facebook
I think this could actually work.  That I could survive there are just some things that will be highly uncomfortable.

Safety...

I just want to feel consistently safe.  That is what I would love.  I feel so icky inside.  I know only I can ease my fears, nobody else can really do anything for anybody.  This could be side effects but I don't know... the initial side effects that suck when you're going to get better.  It always happens to me like that, it has to fuck you up before you can get any better.  I really hope it is because I'm a nervous wreck here.  I pray that God, the angels and my spirit guides are looking out for me.  The problem is I want them to help make it so I avoid as much pain as possible but sometimes going through stuff is the best thing for you.  I think they want the best thing for me that's why I'm going through all this terrible shit.  I shouldn't be angry with them I just wish I didn't have to go through this.  It's like when then parent teaches you a lesson and in the moment it sucks because it's punishment, but when you're older and wiser you appreciate it.  I hope I can get to that point.  Right now I'm just in the moment.  The shitty moment.  I have this inkling, this hunch that I'll be looking back at this someday and being like that sucked, but I'm soooo much better now, life is enjoyable now.  That may be wishful thinking or it may be accurate intuition I don't know.

Connie, Connie, Connie

I know what my problem is, I take everything way too fucking seriously.  It's a fucking job where you alphabetize books and get unwarranted advances from tons of african american males frequently throughout the day.  I'm not a fucking CEO of a company I'm getting minimum wage at a fucking easy as shit job what is there to mess up anyway.  I'm so lame lol

New Job

I just started a new job at the library and came home with acute anxiety.  Not a panic attack but intense enough that everything seems like it's in a blur and I'm "not there".  The sensations are scary.  I just sit on my bed and feel as if I can't do anything more than that.  I can't focus on anything when I'm like that and have to just wait to let it pass.  I'm calming down now and things are less chaotic inside.  I wish I wasn't so socially awkward.  Working with people especially in a new environment is a little challenging to me.  I'm so sensitive to others around me that I can't focus on my work whilst I'm supposed to be working.  I alphabetized everything perfectly in the beginning of the day and then started making a few silly mistakes and started beating myself up in my head for it which only made me do even worse and the cycle continued and continued.  It wasn't a big deal though, I just made it be in my head, I mean I only missed a few.  I think I'm a perfectionist I always want everything I do to be done successfully and when it doesn't I get all fucked up and sad inside and can't concentrate well.  And when I'm so anxious that I can't concentrate well, I do badly.  By the end I was just praying I didn't get others wrong and counting the minutes until I could get the fuck out of there and smoke.  The girl checking me told me I did pretty well.  This is my problem: even though she said that and wasn't judging me at all and honestly didn't see a problem, I did.  It's all me I need to chill the fuck out I'm such a wierdo.  I'm afraid if this continues that I'll be less in the mood to do fun things and would rather sit at home and recuperate therefore missing out on opportunities for fun and growth.  I was dating a few people and having fun but now that I'm semi-stressed everything seems to have changed it's like there's a little minor cloud on me and I'm not at ease anymore.  I don't want to quit I'll feel bad about myself if I do but I also don't want to put too much stress and pressure on myself to where there's little joy left in my day.  I'm alright now and able to be reasonable and introspective.  That's a huge relief.  But this day has gotten me melancholy in a way that I haven't been in awhile.  Since I got over my huge depression most of my days have been really good and now I'm kind of like...eh.  It's not a question of whether I have the ability to do my job, it's whether I have the ability to do everything around people!  Fml.  I hate being so sensitive that I have social phobias, it prevents me from so much and always has.  Normal people don't have this burden, they can go to work, no problem.  They don't live under the cloud I do and never have because they're not acutely sensitive like me.  They're not awkward.  I am.  I've always been like this.  Everyone in the room is smiling and laughing and I'm nervous as shit and thinking about how uncomfortable I am.  This world is not made for sensitive people.  Our whole social system is based around the idea that you have to be that outgoing go getter, and that you can't be weak.  It makes me feel weak that I have to consider quitting my job because I can't do it.  It makes me feel lesser than everyone else who can.  But I'm not I AM strong, I'm just equally sensitive.

To be continued.....