Safety...

I just want to feel consistently safe.  That is what I would love.  I feel so icky inside.  I know only I can ease my fears, nobody else can really do anything for anybody.  This could be side effects but I don't know... the initial side effects that suck when you're going to get better.  It always happens to me like that, it has to fuck you up before you can get any better.  I really hope it is because I'm a nervous wreck here.  I pray that God, the angels and my spirit guides are looking out for me.  The problem is I want them to help make it so I avoid as much pain as possible but sometimes going through stuff is the best thing for you.  I think they want the best thing for me that's why I'm going through all this terrible shit.  I shouldn't be angry with them I just wish I didn't have to go through this.  It's like when then parent teaches you a lesson and in the moment it sucks because it's punishment, but when you're older and wiser you appreciate it.  I hope I can get to that point.  Right now I'm just in the moment.  The shitty moment.  I have this inkling, this hunch that I'll be looking back at this someday and being like that sucked, but I'm soooo much better now, life is enjoyable now.  That may be wishful thinking or it may be accurate intuition I don't know.